I was in church this morning.
As you may appreciate “church” is not something that comes easy or without deep reflection to an ex-KSB member. Andra and I attend a Reformed Baptist Church now since moving away from KSB and have found a spiritual home. Here we found Christ anew.
The last two weeks have not been easy. Since I began writing Essay 15 and the subsequent interactions with people as well as with specific girls and young women sharing their heartbreaking experiences with me, the burden was a bit much to carry when I walked into church this morning. My friend and pastor, Willem was preaching. It was also communion and the table was set before us. My eyes were riveted to the bread and wine on the table. He preached from 1 Peter 3:14-18, and dwelt somewhat on the concept of “hope”. We are not hopeless! We are not without hope! For “Hope” is alive!
During the service I remembered especially two girls for whom I am praying unceasingly (also nine others) and who have been raped at KSB. They are broken beyond what you and I can imagine. They are like the fragile loaf of bread wrapped in the cotton cloth on the communion table. They feel and say, “I am hopeless and without hope”. They say, “ I am dead inside!” And again they ask, “Where was God when I was being raped?” And they say, “I can’t believe in God anymore”. They are totally broken in body, spirit and soul. They have tried to commit suicide multiple times. I can’t even imagine their pain and hopelessness. I don’t know what they are going through but the destruction I see and experience in them broke my heart. How can one human do this to another?
When one talks with them one understands that “hope” has departed from them or at least they have lost “hope” altogether. I sat in the church and cried. I don’t have an easy answer for them! I said to them, “It is OK, I will stand in the spiritual gap for you. You just rest and get better, I will petition God every single day for you that He, God the Father, God the Son and God the Spirit, will heal you and give you hope again”. Every day I pray for them by name. I am not hopeless; I surely do not have the answers but I know the Hope, the Son of God. “How long oh God before your righteousness will prevail for the broken ones?”
When Willem took the bread from the safety of the cloth in His hands, and broke it, I broke down. It was too much for me to take in at that moment. The brokenness of the girls came vividly before me and I just cried out to God, “I don’t have the strength to carry those who are so broken and don’t even have you anymore”. But sure enough the answer came, “I have been broken for you too, and for them! Their broken bodies, spirits and souls will find healing in my broken body and spilt blood. I will not let them fall from my heart!” I understood that indeed I will be able carry them, with Him, to find “hope” again. Sometime in future, “hope” will return to them.
There was something utterly healing I experienced when I broke of the piece of bread and ate it. Jesus said, “This is my body broken for you, eat and remember me”. The tears were running down my cheeks for in that instance I knew that Jesus would not let go of (my) girls! Not even the destruction that rape has worked in them will prevail against the gentle healing His broken body will work for them. He will heal them in body, spirit and soul. He is Hope Everlasting. I will trust Him for that infinite healing only God can work.
I simply rest you all in His pierced hands to find healing, in time, in His broken body. He was nailed to the cross, His body was broken beyond recognition and His blood flowed for you girls broken now so that you may find ”hope” in Him.
God be with you all who suffered this evil!